Kyle's Place: Small Town Childhood

Knowing that my daughter is going to have a childhood it made me think about how awesome my childhood was. I grew up in Middleton, Idaho. I call it Zion. It’s the most amazing place ever! Back then, the population was 1,800 people and when you first drove into the city there was a big sign that said, “Welcome to Middleton! The City with a future.”

Here are some of the fun things I did growing up in wonderful Middleton, Idaho:

• Shot bottle rockets at cars 
• Played hide and go seek in corn fields
• Trapped gophers and made them bit sticks and clumps of dirt
• 4 wheelers pulling sleds around
• Jumping on the trampoline with the sprinkler blasting water underneath
• Diving for golf balls at the golf course ponds at 1am
• Tying fishing line to a Davey Crocket hat filled with fruit and dragging it across the road.  When cars would hit it, I'd start fake crying saying they killed my cat
• Playing sports and pretending to be professional athletes
• Secretly recording friends and family and then listening to the tape to be nosey
• Prank phone calls (until caller ID was invented)
• Riding down the highway in the bucket of a backhoe tractor
• Riding bikes everywhere (including into town to get ice cream)
• Throwing rocks into ditch canals and to see who could get the biggest splash
• Recording songs from the radio and giving that tape to girls I liked
• Throwing snowballs at pedestrians from a nice hiding spot
• Toilet papering people’s homes
• Rolling down hills until I puke
• Trying to sneak candy bought at the dollar store into the movies
• Stomping on pop cans
• Peeing outside
• Digging holes to set traps for “snipes”
• Picking up range balls along the road and turning them into the golf course for a reward of a root beer.
• Swimming in canals or friends pools and having splash fights
• Playing in mud with no shirt on and putting muddy handprints on each other
• Fishing in the canals
• Building forts where girls were not allowed ever!
• Building ramps for bike jumping
• Going hiking with slingshots in case there were bears
• Playing football with random neighbor kids

So much fun! Now days kids want to play with their iPads and listen to Miley freaking Cyrus. How boring! Hopefully my daughter will want to do some of the cool things I did.

Kyle's Place: Spice up Your Day with Movie Quotes

I love movies! It has to be my #2 interest (1st being sports). Life would not be as cool without movies. I love watching movie trailers and getting excited for a movie to come out in theaters. I am usually there opening weekend with my popcorn in hand. Sometimes, I even manage to get popcorn in my underwear from behind. I have no idea how it gets back there.


I am one of those movie quote guys. The one who might quote a movie trying to be funny and no one laughs because no one has seen the movie. But wouldn’t it be cool to use movie quotes all day long in your everyday life? Let me show you. I will point out some things that happened to me yesterday and how I could have responded with movie quotes:

• A guy from Lowes came and installed our new dishwasher. I saw him bump his head on our cabinet. I could have said, “Are you a pothead, Focker?” (Meet the Parents)

• I went to the gas station and saw a guy in a Jeep with 2 bikes on a bike rack. I could have said, “Those bikes yours? Both of them?” (Dumb and Dumber)

• I had a conversation with a guy named Joe about buying a house. I could have said, “Go Joseph! Go get your land!” (Far and Away).

• I took a shower and used shampoo (yes, even I use shampoo). I could have picked up the bottle of shampoo and said, “Shampoo is better. It goes on first and cleans the hair.” (Billy Madison)

• I have been watching out for a snake in my yard when I mow. I want to tell him, “I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” (Taken)

• I went to Lowes to get fertilizer for our yard and I overheard a lady ask her husband, “Bill it’s too big. Where are we going to plant a tree that big?” And I could have said, “Bend over and I’ll show you.” (Christmas Vacation)

• I saw this stranger walking on the sidewalk and I had this urge to go up to him and say, “Phil? Phil Conners? Is that you? It’s Ned (lift my hat) Ryerson!” (Groundhog Day)

This is why movies are so awesome. Try to put them in your everyday life and it will spice up your day.

-Kyle

Kyle's Place: 4th Grade Football... or Not

Sometimes I wonder what my daughter will look like. I hope she mostly looks like my beautiful wife because I don't think I would be a very good looking woman. But will she have a small head like me?

This is how small my head is:


When I was in the 4th grade I wanted to play football. All my friends were signing up and I wanted to be on the Seahawks with them. I signed up and was excited to play. The first day of practice, all the teams came together for a meeting to get their football equipment. I gathered all my equipment up and went to get a helmet. The guy in charge of the equipment gave me the smallest helmet they had. It was too big. They said they would order me a helmet, but I could practice lightly (non helmet type drills) until it came in. I secured my position as Wide Reciever and Cornerback. I was pumped!

The day finally came to put on my new shiny helmet.

But it was still too big.

The equipment guy said that's the smallest helmet they could get and I would not be able to play football that year. My small pinhead wouldn't allow me to play football! But I didn't really feel bad about that because at least it wasn't my football skills that kept me from playing. My friend Jesse was the Quarterback of the Seahawks and he threw a lot of passes to me in his backyard after practice. It was cool because with his awesome quarterback skills and my good looks, we got a lot of ladies in the 4th grade.

So if my daughter has a small head maybe this story will help.
Plus I doubt she will want to play on the 4th grade football team.

-Kyle

Kyle's Place: Do you wanna get rocked?

Def Leppard is the greatest band of all time! They freaking rock! I have seen them 6 times in concert. When I die and walk into heaven, I am certain that the members of Def Leppard will be angels and singing “Let's Get Rocked” to all those who enter the pearly gates of heaven.

One time I went on a date with this girl who insisted I name my car. She had a name for her car, her plant and her tree outside her bedroom window. (Yeah, she was a little weird). So she made me name my car for the night. When she told me this I agreed only because she wouldn’t shut her yapper about it. Besides, we weren’t going on a second date anyway because she was weird so it wouldn’t hurt to name my car for one night.

I chose to name it Rick. Why did I choose Rick? Because I had to name him after someone cool. Rick Allen is the one armed drummer for Def Leppard. That’s right, one arm! How is that even possible? It is possible and he is the bees knees. He contributes to their greatness. They will be here in Salt Lake City performing a concert in August. I will be there, my wife (who will have had the baby by then) will be there and I am sure angels will be there. They are that good.

Kyle's Place: Obsessed with Sports

I have a confession. 
As you have probably learned by reading our blog, I am obsessed with sports.
Yeah, I admit it.
I LOVE SPORTS.
Sports make me really happy.
They bring out emotion.
They bring out passion.
They bring out memories of incredible victories and depressing defeats.
They make you want to hug your buddy after an incredible victory (thanks Kevin).
They also might want you to kick a kitten after a heartbreaking defeat (thanks Kyle Brotzman. Dude make a freaking field goal! It was 26 yards away. My grandma could have made that! I can almost pee farther than 26 yards. You choked!)

But that’s what makes sports great! If women can have 10,000 different moods in a day, men can have a couple of moods related to sports.

Sports are intense.
Sometimes it comes down to the final seconds.
Sometimes you feel your blood pumping as you watch your team make the game-winning 3 pointer at the buzzer. (By the way, why do women want to tell you something interesting about girl stuff or want you to take the garbage out when these final seconds of the game are counting down?)

Sports build memories between people and can be talked about for hours, even 50 years later.

If sports had never existed in this world, then happiness would have never existed either.

Kyle's Place: Keeping a Stash

Yes I hide things from my wife.
I have a stash where I keep goodies and treats.
I think everyone should.
That’s how I grew up.

My dad had a stash of candy and cookies he didn’t tell my mom about.

My mom had a stash of gummy bears she didn’t show anyone (unless we found it).

My siblings (who are all older) have stashes they hide from their spouses.

I see nothing wrong with having a stash of goodies. However, if someone finds your stash of goodies they have dibs on eating whatever they want. That is the punishment for not hiding your stash well enough. As you build up your stash, you will learn to be a better hider. (This will help you during games like hide and go seek or finding Easter eggs during Easter).

But you should only hide a few goodies. Most goodies you should share with your spouse, but there are a couple things (your favorites) that might be acceptable to keep hidden. One thing I like to do is share most of my goodies, but put some away in your stash for later. Like Creamies. Share all but the last one, then hide it. That way you did share, but you still get the last taste.

However this only goes for treats.
Don’t be hiding secrets, old crushes or speeding tickets from your spouse.
Only treats.

Kyle's Place: Skin is in

Being bald use to be gross. People thought of bald people as old men. They collected bald jokes and used them whenever they saw an old bald man.

But now…..“skin is in.” It is sexy. Why? How did the opinions of the world seem to change overnight? I will tell you in three words…BRUCE FREAKING WILLIS! That’s right. The ladies think Bruce Willis is one of the sexiest men on the planet. He made a shaved bald head go from “old man ready to die” to “completely and utterly stunning sexiness.”

Thank you, Bruce Willis. I know besides sharing your haircut I don’t look like you. However I have had multiple dreams where I am taking down bad guys with you in the corn fields of Idaho as your junior detective. Remember that time we hid in that ditch and you covered me up with dirt except for my gun and one eye? Then when the bad guy who robbed the Victoria’s Secret crossed the bridge I popped up out of nowhere and said, “Prepare to meet your maker” and took him out.

Good times, Bruce. Good times.

Kyle's Place: Boise State

One time my mom asked me, “Since you graduated from BYU-Idaho, which is a BYU school, and you are a Boise State fan, what if BYU plays Boise State in football? Who would you cheer for?” I kindly responded to my mom, “Are you freaking kidding me? Mom, if Boise State played our family in a flag football game, I would cheer for Boise State.”

I bleed Blue and Orange. Ever since I was a little boy in poopy diapers, I have loved the Boise State Broncos. I grew up during the times where we had some good seasons and some not so good seasons. But they have always been and forever will be my team. I love them. I don’t think I could love a newborn puppy more than I love the Boise State Broncos.

When Boise State plays, life stops to enjoy that special moment.

Our wedding colors were blue and orange and we got married on Boise State’s bye week.

If coach Petersen ever needed me to suit up and play, I am only a phone call away.

If Coach Petersen needed a place to relax while he was visiting Utah, he could stay at my house, sleep in my bed in his underwear, hold my firstborn child, and eat whatever he wanted (including my stash of goodies), use my jetted bathtub, wear my clothes and use my razor.

He would be King.

That’s how much I love Boise State.

Go Broncos!

Kyle's Place: About Fatherhood

When I found out we are having a baby I was really excited. I have always wanted to be a dad. It has been pretty much my biggest dream my entire life. I have always imagined myself playing catch in my backyard with him, having him help me rake the leaves, teaching him the different offensive plays that Boise State ran the previous game, teaching him the best way to camp, how to drive a 4 wheeler, and painting our chests for tailgate parties.

And then we found out we are having a girl.

And even though I still plan on doing all these things with my new daughter (except for painting our chests) I guess I will have to add things I never thought of before. Things like having little tea parties, playing house, having fashion shows and dress up parties, painting toenails and having pillow fights. I never thought of these things as fun, but I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t excited for these things.

Bring them all on!

Bring on fatherhood!

Kyle's Place: Real Men Tan Naturally

I have to get some things off my freshly shaved chest.

Since I got locked out of the house in my underwear back in April of last year, none have my neighbors have said anything. Do you know why? Because they liked what they saw.  I think they want more, so this year I might have to lay out in the FRONT yard and sunbathe.

Why do people like white farmer's-tanned bodies, you ask? Because they are SEXY!!

I know some of you might think, “Lying out in the sun is not a manly thing to do.” Well guess what? It can be because while I am laying there getting my suntan on I am thinking about tanks, mowing the lawn and what I would do if a guy who broke out of prison showed up in my front yard wanting to use my phone to call his ex-con brother. Planning to beat up an escaped convict is as manly as it gets. So what if I am getting a little color on my one pack-stomach? That is manly.

When I was in college I once went to a tanning salon with an old girlfriend. I got a sunburn on my butt and it hurt to sit down. I couldn’t even go to class. That was the only time I went tanning because it was at that moment I realized that men who use tanning beds are wieners. Real men tan naturally. In the sun. Period!

Kyle's Place

That’s right. It happened. I have been invited by my wife to be a contributor to our blog. It was a hard decision to accept this invitation because my wife is an incredible blogger. She has amazing thoughts and writes like Bill Shakespeare. She is clever and funny and beautiful. She is the love of my life and has many talents. One of her greatest talents is somehow putting up with my random thoughts and actions.

I have a lot of weird things going on inside my head and it seems like funny things happen to me a lot that might be interesting to you. A lot of these random thoughts will be shared at random on this blog. Watch out.

So hopefully your eyes will water with hunger as you enjoy a tasty read of Kyle’s thoughts.

Here is a true experience: when I was in 9th grade I had an English teacher named Mrs. King. She was old and weird. One time my friend Jesse and I were having a good time showing off to hot ladies and Mrs. King caught me.

She walked by my desk and bent down to whisper in my ear, “Those ladies aren’t going to help you in the future, but my teaching you how to write these essays will help you in your life. Forget the flirting or you will never become a good writer.”

Then as she walked away she farted in my face.

Dead serious.

I don’t think she farted on purpose, but it doesn’t matter. She still farted in my face.

So I have one thing to say to you now Mrs. King: That flirting gave me good practice to win the woman of my dreams. She is beautiful and awesome. She also has a world famous blog and she invited me to write on it because she thinks I am a great writer. So who is farting in whose face now?

Meet Kyle

Meet Kyle.

He is a married white male.

Blue eyes.

Reddish beard.

Shaved head.

Weeks from turning 30.

He likes bubble baths and long walks along the river.

He's obsessed with sports.

He's insanely funny.

He is going to be a dad.

And he has {finally} agreed to humor his wife's many requests to contribute to this here blog.

So look out world, 'cause every Thursday you get to hear from my main man.

The love of my life.

The caramel to my apple.

Right here, every Thursday.

It's a date.