Friday, May 20, 2011

Fail

I have been diagnosed a failure.


Technically it's my pancreas or something that is the failure in this situation, but when I inquired of my test results and the response was "You failed" I took it personally.  I mean how the heck is that supposed to make me feel, anyway?  I started bawling, is what happened.
 
And then I got really angry.

I don't really know why I reacted this way; gestational diabetes is not the end of the world.  It's nothing I could have prevented.  And it's treatable.  I can manage it just fine and after the baby gets here, I can go back to loving on carbs all I want!  I know it will be okay but I was devastated anyway.  (Pregnancy hormones much?)  My initial reaction was feeling like I had done something terrible to my child.  Or that I could have done something to prevent this.  I'm ashamed and frustrated and I don't really want to talk about it.  But here I am, talking about it. 

I think doctors need to rephrase how they give test results because there was something in the phrase "You failed" that triggered a maternal downward spiral of depression and anger. 

Allow me to illustrate my stream of consciousness:

I failed my glucose test. 
I have gestational diabetes. 
I am no longer invincible. 
Anything can go wrong. 
Oh my gosh the baby hasn't moved in 30 minutes. 
Is something wrong?
Did I have too many carbs?
Have I put her at risk?
Am I going into labor?
I've already failed at motherhood!
My child hates me!
I'm a failure!
Failure!
Failure!
{Insert tears}

...
Now I do not share this story for sympathy or to receive a plethora of it-will-be-okay's.  I share this story so I can laugh at my own overdramatization of the situation and also to vent my frustration.  And maybe whine every now and then for the next two months. (What else is new, right?)

So feel free to respond with some "That sucks!" or "I'm a failure too!" 
But I don't want sympathy.
I do not want good cheer.
I do not want "hope for the future." 
I want you to be angry with me. 
I want you to pout with me.
And then hide all the pasta and cookies for the next 10.5 weeks. 
Deal?

{i love you guys}

6 comments:

Kellie said...

Seriously- that SUCKS!
You do not have my sympathy.
You do not have my encouragement of hope for the future.
;)
And this emotional breakdown? It will not be the last. Motherhood is FILLED with guilt and tears. Fun, right??

Jamie said...

Seriously I cry a lot when I'm pregnant. I don't agree with your Failure comment but I will say THAT SUCKS. DUDE SUPER crappy :o( i do not like this news. Please have happy news in your next post

Thanks,
Management

Anna said...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't FAIL at something! We are human!

It Started With a Wink said...

oh dang it was that chocolate milk ;-) haha, medical personnel should really get together with some psychology experts and work on things like telling pregnant women they fail tests, really a huge part of our health is in our mind and Dr's shouldn't run around telling people especially emotionally sensitive people they failed things when it is a chemical reaction in their body that just needs a little help or monitoring

Jamie said...

FYI Doc's do go through courses that are supposed to prepare them for breaking that kind of news. But classes don't solve personality flaws. hahaha Sounds like your doc is an idiot.

Kourtney said...

Thanks guys :) You all know just what I needed to hear!