Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I Just Don't

As we get closer to starting Avery on solids, the reality of PKU and it's suckiness is starting to weigh on me.  Especially with the holidays coming up.  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  It kicks off the Christmas season and features some of my very favorite foods.  Foods that Avery can't eat!!  Turkey, stuffing, pies, rolls...  *sigh*

I recently went to a low-protein cooking class for people with PKU and learned how to make low protein breads, pastas, cookies, pizza, and veggie nuggets.  It was in some ways comforting to learn that these foods are going to be doable, but also still overwhelming because I can't just go out and buy a freaking loaf of bread for my baby girl.  PROTEIN IS IN EVERYTHING!!!!  

I had a mini breakdown about it while trying to make formula the other day.  I have to weigh regular formula and medical formula by grams and mix it in a big measuring cup and divide it up into bottles every night.  I was in a hurry and the scale kept resetting and I had to re-measure each formula several times and by then I just got really pissed off.  And then I cried.  I can't just make a regular bottle like regular people for babies with regular diets.  It's a reality that sometimes hits me hard.  

In truth, I really don't want to do it.  I just don't.  I don't want to mix the formulas.  I don't want to make low protein foods.  I don't want to keep diet records.  I don't want to take blood samples.  I don't want my baby to be different.

But there's the other side of it all.  The side that is my love for her.  I love her so much and want so much for her that I will do it all.  I will mix the formulas.  I will learn how to make every low protein food I can find.  I will keep the diet records.  I will take the stupid blood samples.  And as much as I hate it all, I love that Avery girl even more and that's what keeps me going.


Jamie said...

You are a wonderful mother K! She is a lucky girl to have you for a mom. Don't get down on yourself for being frustrated or upset about the situation. Take the minute to hate it and be upset, then remind yourself that life is full those moments where you want to scream and kick a puppy (as kyle says). Trust me, you will get the hang of it I'm sure and be a super mom!! PS I LOVE your little ducky!!! She's perfect!

Kate [City Girl Mountain View] said...

Kourtney - my name is Kate and my daughter (born 07/15/2011) has PKU. I stumbled across your blog when I googled PKU and fenugreek as I am having issues breast feeding. Your post today really hits home for me as well, there are days when I just want to scream about stupid PKU. But then my girl smiles at me and I know that I have to be strong for her. Hang in there, if you ever need to chat to another PKU mom feel free to email me, citygirlmountainview@gmail.com.

Kim Post said...

And that is why this precious girl was sent to you and Kyle, because HF knew you can do it! It's ok to have meltdowns, that just makes you realize your love for her, that you want to do everything perfect and have her be perfect..You are such a amazing strong woman and Avery is so lucky to have you Kourtney! I can't emagine how hard having a PKU baby is but as a mom I do know that our love for our children over powers the negatives and we cope with what we do have. Some people don't have it at all and would love to be in our shoes. Keep your spirits up and know how much we all love you Kourtney! Avery is a true blessing!